


How to Make Friends

by EphemeralSonder (MermaidMayonnaise)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Satire, my trademark dry wit, process analysis essay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:54:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22368268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MermaidMayonnaise/pseuds/EphemeralSonder
Summary: Remembering your friend’s name shows that you care enough to commit it to memory.
Kudos: 1





	How to Make Friends

Life gets lonely, so it’s important to have those special people when times get tough. In biology, this symbiotic relationship is best classified as parasitism. In society, it’s called friendship. It’s a concrete assertion that humans require social interaction to survive. But in a world where it’s eat or be eaten, friendships may prove difficult. Creating and maintaining relationships are key ways to demonstrate fitness for civilization, and to assert your rightful place within the animal kingdom. 

The first step is forging these relationships. Understanding the basic rules of human communication is alien for some. However, a firm grasp on the rules is crucial to their establishment. Fortunately, there are a few simple tips to aid in the process. Because each individual is different, not all of them may prove helpful. Reader discretion is heavily advised. 

The search for potential friends requires thorough and extensive research. Think of it like scouting for colleges or purchasing a phone. In present times, social media is the most convenient and accurate platform to discern personalities. It’s a superficial assessment, of course. For our intents and purposes, a low-level understanding of the psyche suffices. When perusing various accounts, scroll back through their timeline to the beginning. Put a heart on photos from five years ago. Comment _yass gurl <33 _ and _ok boomer_ to demonstrate a current understanding of teenage slang. It’s a simple, effective way to show support for your potential friend, especially since you weren’t there at the beginning. It’s essential to show that you have an important human trait: loyalty.

Once you’ve determined your options, familiarize yourself with the etiquette of normal conversation. Make sure your voice has the proper inflection. A monotone comes off as psychopathic. Disproportionate excitement implies asininity. Additionally, it’s recommended to blink at regular, previously decided intervals. It’s perfectly acceptable to count under your breath to maintain a steady rhythm. In conjunction, eye contact in a conversation indicates interest and attentiveness. It’s crucial in a relationship; therefore all or nothing. Always maintain eye contact or not at all. A word of caution: you may want to invest in eye drops. Staring tends to dry out the retinas.

Communication may be key, but the appearance of looking ‘cool’ is critical. A simple solution is to never reach out first and wait for them to approach _you_. You’re obviously a fantastic person. The friend should naturally intuit your affections. If they don’t pick up your hints, feel free to get offended. If facing rejection at any point in the process, anger is a perfectly natural response. Voice your opinion to the friend. Do so loudly and in a public place. Cause a ruckus. The other people in the room will surely offer their services to be mediators and help settle your disagreement. Your friend will appreciate your efforts to better the relationship.

Now that you have a friend, congratulations! Showing a desire to maintain a friendship is imperative for its continuation. Every circumstance you happen to see your friend, get their attention by yelling a greeting followed by their name. Remembering your friend’s name shows that you care enough to commit it to memory. (Greetings are applicable in other situations, such as an oral presentation or during a test.) Act as if you haven’t seen them in millennia. Let your boundless enthusiasm shine. Society deems extroversion as the preferred personality trait. Implying your outgoing social tendencies is a necessity. 

Some people say that the most important advice is to be yourself. 

Society says that if you’re genuine, people will instantly befriend you. 

We’d all like to believe in the existence of a clear set of rules. A pamphlet: _How to Make Friends in Three Easy Steps._ But in reality, forging friendships isn’t like baking a gingerbread man. The process of making friends isn’t cookie-cut and simple. 

Like all relationships, it’s incredibly messy. The attempt to accurately condense human relations into simplicity destroys their complexity and authenticity. The truth is that there isn’t a formula, and it’s highly improbable that one will be created. So we wait. We comfort ourselves with the hope that one day we’ll find people as weird and strange and wonderful as ourselves.


End file.
